October 2006
Your Parenting Coach:
A Powerful Approach to Increase Motivation
My son, Peter, started the third grade this school year and he is having a tough time. I talked with the teacher and she didn’t say it outright, but I think she thinks he is lazy. I know he is capable, so I can’t believe how unmotivated he is. He used to love to do his schoolwork. How can I get him back on track? I miss that curious, excited little boy he used to be.
– Anna/Renton
Curiosity is, in fact, the normal condition of childhood. From the time of birth, children in their healthiest states explore their environment, are inquisitive and actively pursue mental challenges. I can understand your concern, but if you are willing to consider the following suggestions, I am sure you can ignite his inner fire again to love learning.
First of all, consider anything that may be extinguishing that fire and attend to it. Poor nutrition, undetected eyesight or hearing problems, lack of exercise and, yes, overexposure to TV, video and computer or video games could inhibit a child’s desire to engage in learning. Emotional traumas, as well, can affect a child’s capacity to focus and direct energy toward mentally demanding tasks. When our beloved golden retriever died suddenly, it took a few weeks for both my sons to be able to concentrate on schoolwork again. We had to do a lot of talking about Jasper first, and we needed to consciously acknowledge the boys’ grieving process.
Secondly, understand that the motivation to learn comes from within us and consequently must be drawn out of us rather than imposed upon us. In other words, we can’t make anyone learn if they refuse to, no matter what we do. Sure, we can give all sorts of enticements and rewards. But in the end these only backfire, making the rewarded child less and less capable of digging within himself or herself to access self-determination.
My favorite researchers on intrinsic motivation are Richard Ryan and Edward Deci from the University of Rochester in New York. They have been researching the subject for more than 30 years, focusing on the conditions that elicit and sustain intrinsic motivation. I have helped many of my clients by sharing these conditions and then by supporting them to come up with strategies to carry them out. The results have been nothing short of miraculous! Kids who downright refused all types of intervention suddenly get “turned around.” So, instead of approaching the issue of motivation directly, I suggest you come through the back door with this powerful approach. Focus on developing your son’s:
- Autonomy – Build Peter’s sense of self by giving him choices. Perhaps he can choose the time and place to do his homework. What he will do when he finishes it? How he will celebrate a week of no homework hassles? Other ways to build autonomy are to acknowledge your son’s feelings and talk about them. Give him plenty of opportunities for self-direction. Try to curb any tendency to get too involved in his school problems. Studies have shown that autonomy-supportive parents have children who are more intrinsically motivated than controlling parents. (“Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being,” Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, American Psychologist, January 2000.)
- Competency – When we feel competent about something, we are more motivated to work at it. Affirm your son for his abilities. Make sure he knows how competent he is. Is there a new hobby or activity he wants to take up that will increase his competence in a certain area? Give him tasks to do and don’t interfere. Allow him the opportunity to complete the task and feel the sublime satisfaction of a job well done.
- Relatedness – When we relate well to others, we are more internally driven to participate in our life. Check in regularly with Peter’s teacher to make sure his social life at school is going well. And at every opportunity help him to see his contributions to the family, such as the chores he does, as meaningful and appreciated. Alienated children lack motivation to learn.
By building Peter’s autonomy, competency and relatedness,
you will renew his curiosity for school learning and you will be motivating
him in a way that “engenders commitment, effort and high-quality
performance,” in Deci and Ryan’s words. You will be helping
Peter develop qualities that last for a lifetime.
Gloria DeGaetano is the founder and CEO of the Parent Coaching Institute in Bellevue and the host of Parent Appreciation Radio Saturdays at 11a.m. on 1150 AM KKNW-Seattle.
©Gloria DeGaetano, 2006
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