June 2006

Editor's Note: He Said, She Said

An older baby is ready to tackle the stairs.
He says, “Let him at it. I want him climbing up and down.”
She says, “Not unless we’re three inches from him at all times.”

A grade-schooler or teen disobeys a known rule and faces consequences.
He says, “You’re way too easy on her.”
She says, “You’re way too hard.”

Men and women often approach discipline differently, says local pediatric/family therapist Susan Fox, mother of an 11-year-old boy and a 9-year-old girl. “Men are good at promoting autonomy and independence. They see a need for their kids to push through frustration,” she elaborates. “Women are uncomfortable with their children being stressed. Mothers can be extremely overprotective. When I talk with couples, and men realize that women are connected, physically and mentally, to their kids so that their protection is automatic, it helps them understand.”

Conflicts about how to discipline children are going to occur between parents, and not always along gender lines. While parenting experts often stress the importance of a united front, kids can tolerate a certain amount of difference in parenting styles, Fox says. They thrive under the strengths of each parent.

Fox will give parents ideas on resolving conflicts when parents do disagree at the June Tools for Parents lecture (see details at the end of this column). Among her suggestions:

• Agree on the “big things” that won’t be tolerated – such as hitting, spitting, name-calling or overtly disrespectful behavior. “Couples need to take time separately to connect and talk and agree on ground rules and consequences, rather than having knee-jerk reactions when problems arise,” Fox says.

• Work out a “secret signal” to use when you’re in the heat of a conflict and realize that you’re not going to agree. The signal means you’ll talk about it later, and not fight about it in front of the kids.

• Pick your battles. One parent – often the one who is working full time outside the home – may want to “check out” and let stuff go when they get home, while the other parent might argue about every little thing the child does. Know what your and your partner’s “hair triggers” are, and try to avoid those.

• “Be a detective” in figuring out what kinds of discipline work for your child. “Time out can be over-used if it’s the only tool you have,” Fox adds. “There’s no one thing that’s going to work for every child every time. Find out what motivates your child.”

• Put your relationship first. Realize that moms and dads each need time to themselves and time together.

Also in this issue …

In our Viewpoint column, Bernie Dorsey, founder of the Conscious Fathering Program, celebrates the contributions dads bring to children, with a focus on preparing fathers to be equal partners with mothers in caring for infants.

It’s the start of summer – time for fun! In “Destination PLAY!” we revisit our favorite play spaces to give you some ideas for climbing, sliding, swinging and imagining – and for exploring attractions around the playgrounds.

Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean it’s time to put away the books. Rather, it’s a chance for kids to stop reading what the teacher says, and start reading what they want to. Find ideas in our Summer Reading section.

Summer is also the start of the outdoor concert, entertainment and festival season. Find hundreds of events for children and families in the June calendar.

Wenda Reed
Editor

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Northwest Parent Media
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