June 2006
Your Parenting Coach: Taking Care of Ourselves While We Take Care of the Kids
My son, age 7, and my daughter, age 9, will soon be off school for summer vacation. On one hand I love it, but I work part-time and I find it exhausting to take care of them and arrange for their activities. I don’t want to repeat the depletion I felt last summer. I would like to be able to take care of me this summer while I take care of the kids. Any ideas?
--Nina/Bellevue
At the Parent Coaching Institute, we talk a lot about the “paradox of self-care.” It can seem counterintuitive, with the huge demands of full lives, to give time and attention to ourselves. It can feel as though we are neglecting our duties or not good enough to live up to our responsibilities. But it turns out that the opposite is true. Rather than taking away from our kids, we are actually giving to them, by giving to ourselves. I invite you to “play” with this paradox this summer and observe what happens.
Here are three ideas to get started:
Find Uninterrupted “Me Time”
Each Day
Depletion often comes from not setting aside time in large enough doses
for activities that re-fuel and refresh us. I recently heard a mother
say that she loves to read novels, but hadn’t given herself that
luxury in several years! What will feel like a luxury to you? What is
something that you haven’t done for awhile?
Once you figure out what you will do, block out time on your daily calendar and commit to it. With the sun up earlier, you may get an energy boost with an extra half hour in the morning to write in a journal while the kids are still sleeping. Perhaps your “me time” can come in the evening or while your children are with friends during the day? Whatever you do, this is your time for uninterrupted reflection and doing something for pure enjoyment.
Slow Stretching
When we stretch, we relieve tension and restore energy. The great thing
about stretching is that no matter what our physical condition, we can
reap many benefits for the time spent. Stretching can ground and center
you in the midst of a hectic day or help to give a clear start in the
morning or a relaxed state of mind before bed. How we reach for that jar
on the spice rack or pull down the salad bowl from the shelf can be part
of our daily stretching, too.
Norma Dompier, owner of Bellevue Pilates, recommends a great book. Aptly titled Stretching (by Suzanne Martin, DK Publishing, 2005), it covers a variety of stretches with full color photos. “Just start out slowly,” Dompier emphasizes. “Five minutes a day is better than no minutes a day. Be kind to yourself and do not put yourself down if you don’t do it. Just keep a gentle focus daily on stretching your body, and you will see how revitalizing it can be. Soon your body will be making sure there is time for stretching, because it feels so good.” She was right. By just taking a few minutes each day, I soon gained impetus to figure out ways to carve out at least 15 minutes for daily stretching.
Delegate or Defer
You may want to consider: Are there tasks I can give away – to my
spouse, friends, hired help, even the kids? A lot of moms think it is
easier to “do it myself because that way I know it will get done
correctly.” Do you have a need for being too perfect? Can you let
go of anything you are doing presently that would provide an opportunity
for your children to learn something?
For example, one mom I coached found that she was able to delegate calling her family to meals. She got a Tibetan bell and her daughter rang it. That was it. This mother realized that it had been a huge drain telling everybody dinner or breakfast was ready and rallying them to get there. Letting go of this one simple thing left her with more energy than she could have imagined.
Deferring is also another practice in letting go. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to get to a task. It just means that the dishes, the filled-up garage or the laundry can wait. They can wait while we take care of ourselves, so we are the best we can be for our children.
Gloria DeGaetano is founder and CEO of the Bellevue-based Parent Coaching Institute, as well as a parent educator and author. She hosts Parent Appreciation Radio Saturdays at 11 a.m. on 1150 AM, KKNW-Seattle. You may send questions for this column to Gloria@thepci.com or to nweditor@seattleschild.com or nweditor@pugetsoundparent.com.
©Gloria DeGaetano, 2006
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