June 2006
VIEWPOINT: Conscious Fathering
Skills – and More – for New Dads
Parenthood can be stressful. Just ask anyone who has had a baby in the last, say, … 50 years. As quickly as those first few weeks pass, while you are in the moment, it feels as though it will be an eternity. New things come along that strive to make life easier for new dads and moms. There are never-ending lists of products that we just cannot live without or new techniques that promise to be the answers to all that we desire – which is usually sleep. However, the basic things are usually all that babies really need, and the most basic is a partnership where mom and dad share as equally as possible in the care and nurturing of their new child.
In 1999, I developed a program to help men be better prepared to meet the challenges of new fatherhood and to parent in partnership with mom. The idea is simple: It is impossible to be a competent partner in caring for a new baby if you know little or nothing about infants. So this program, Conscious Fathering, gives expectant fathers a chance to play a little – and in some cases a lot – of catch up.
Usually men, on the eve of fatherhood, are ill-equipped for the job ahead. Not surprising, actually, when you consider that after the “Hey honey, guess what?” talk, most guys don’t give fatherhood much thought. It’s okay, really; it’s normal. Guys weren’t even allowed into the delivery room until the mid 1960s. We haven’t always treated dads with the highest levels of dignity and respect either, as they are often portrayed as well-meaning, yet woefully inept.
In hospitals all over Puget Sound area, men are sitting down with other men and learning more about babies. There is something magical about a room full of guys in varying states of preparation for their journey to parenthood.
With the exception of the concern about how their bodies will recover from delivery, future dads are worrying about the same things moms are worrying about. There’s one widely overlooked addition: they are worrying about mom, too. Soon-to-be dads have a lot of anxiety, not only from not knowing much about babies, but also from not knowing how mom will fare through the whole process.
In the Conscious Fathering class, the first thing these men learn is that there is only one thing they cannot do, and that’s breastfeed. So for two and a half hours, they learn as much as possible about everything else. We concentrate on the very basics of what their infants need and on how we meet those needs. Every attendee receives a doll, a onesie, sleeper or jumper, a diaper, a washcloth and a receiving blanket to use during the class. During the next couple of hours, he will practice what it takes competently and confidently care for their new baby.
In using the dolls to practice with (no one seems willing to loan them real newborns), they can simulate holding, burping, changing and swaddling a baby. A lot of emphasis is placed on caring for the crying infant, and we discuss ideas for soothing baby to make sure everyone caring for baby “has a plan” to deal with frustration. It is a proactive approach to new fatherhood that empowers these men to feel as though they can do what good fathers do, and they can do it from the very first moments of their baby’s life.
Moms and dads are built to partner in caring for their children. They each bring their own special attributes to the equation, even though they may do things differently. The sooner we help men learn and recognize their value to the whole process, the sooner they will contribute. Although the majority of new dads are anxious to get in there and help out, days count, and the earlier they are involved the stronger the bond. When new dads are equipped to help, new moms feel as though they really do have an equal in parenting, not someone they need to instruct or train to do the job the correct way (or their way).
Conscious Fathering is offered regularly at the following locations:
Auburn Regional Medical Center, 253-333-2522.
www.armcuhs.com.
Bates Technical College, Tacoma, 253-680-7500. www.bates.ctc.edu.
Family Education and Support Services, Olympia, 360-754-7629.
www.familyeducationandsupport.org.
Gracewinds Perinatal Services, Seattle, 206-781-987.
www.gracewindsperinatal.com.
Highline Medical Center, Burien, 206-439-5576. hchnet.org.
Northwest Hospital, Seattle, 206-781-9871. www.nwhospital.org.
Overlake Hospital, Bellevue, 425-688-5259. www.overlakehospital.org.
Swedish Hospital Ballard Campus, Seattle, 206-215-3338.
www.swedish.org
Swedish Hospital First Hill Campus, Seattle, 206-215-3338.
www.swedish.org
Bernie Dorsey is the founder and coordinator of the Conscious Fathering Program. For more information or to inquire about starting a program in your area, contact him at the Parent Trust for Washington Children, 206-233-0156, ext. 227, bdorsey@parenttrust.org. Find out more about the program at www.parenttrust.org.
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